Hi.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
There he is! That's him!
Is there only one place you go when you die?
Will everyone who has ever died be there?
What's this place called?
Will I get to have sex with people there?
Are there shopping malls?
What about smoking? Can we smoke up there?
Hi.
They're saying you know something different about what happens after you die.
Twenty four hours ago, Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer.
Today, people are saying he has new information
about what happens after you die.
Oh, this is bad.
I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me, please.
Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me.
Quick.
Come in.
Yeah.
Just tell me what you told your mom.
I don't think I should. Anything can happen.
I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on. Why did I...
Whatever you said obviously affected a lot of people.
I mean, I don't think you have the choice to keep it in.
Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now.
I could get on the first plane to Namibia. No one knows me there.
Just tell me what you said, Mark. Please, just tell me.
My mum was dying, she was scared, she was shaking all over,
and she said she didn't want to just enter a world of nothingness.
So I said, "You're wrong about what happens after you die. "
And I told her, I said,
"It's not a world of nothingness.
"You go to the best place ever, where all your friends are
"and you have an eternity of joy. "
I made her happy.
How do you know these things?
Well, I...
Oh, that makes me happy.
You have to tell them everything you know. You have to. It's too big.
Listen to me, you don't understand. The things I told my mum...
Didn't you say that it made her happy to hear them?
- Yes. - And how did that make you feel?
- Good. - So imagine how it would feel
to do the same for all of these people.
Uh, okay.
I need some time.
You sure I should do this?
Of course you should.
Mark, what you know is gonna change man kind forever.
It's the most important thing the world has ever heard.
I'll let you work.
Come in.
I brought pizza.
How come you never told me we all get mansions?
- Uh, I didn't... - Just let him keep working.
It's one thing that you invented the bicycle, but...
Just keep working, don't worry about...
I've known him for a long time, and he never told me that.
- I got plain, and I got... - That's good.
I got another plain.
In London, England, they wait.
In Rome, Italy, they wait. In New York City, they wait.
The world has come to a standstill,
with everyone at their televisions and radios,
or here on this lawn,
waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth and tell the people what he knows.
Oh!
Hi.
I've finished.
Are you ready?
- I guess so. - Oh.
I wish I had something better to put these on, though, like tablets.
Or just even better paper.
- That feels better. - Good.
Just...
Just tell them what you know.
- Good luck out there, man. - Cheers.
Twenty four hours ago,
Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer.
Today, people are saying he has new information
about what happens after you die.
Sorry.
I guess
you heard about the stuff that I told my mum the other night.
That's why you're here.
I know some things, some very important things
about what happens to you after you die.
Everything you need to know
is written on these pizza boxes.
"Number one,
"there is a man in the sky who controls everything.
- "Number two... " - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What does he look like?
Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff. Good head of hair.
What ethnicity is he?
Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity.
He's a mixture of all our ethnicities.
- Does he live in the clouds? - No.
- Can we see him? - No.
He lives higher than the clouds, too high to see him.
- So he lives in space. - Not that high.
So then the thermosphere?
Sorry, people. I've got a lot to get through here. Can we just...
Man lives in the sky, you can't see him. He controls everything. Cool?
Good. "Number two,
"when you die, you don't disappear into an eternity of nothingness.
"Instead, you go to a really great place. "
"Number three,
"in that place, everyone will get a mansion. "
- What kind of mansion? - The best mansion you could think of.
Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion!
Well, no.
It's the best mansion you could ever think of.
Not the one you're thinking of right now, but ever.
Whatever the best mansion is you'd like, that's the one you're gonna get.
"Number four,
"when you die, all the people you love will be there. "
Will they have their own mansions?
Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion.
What if I want them to live in my mansion?
Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion.
They'll come and live with you, won't they?
- What happens to their mansion? - I don't know. It goes back on the market.
Can we... "Number five,
"when you die, there will be free ice cream for everyone.
"All day and all night, whatever flavours you can think of. "
- Even bad flavours? - Why would you think of bad flavours?
You just said every flavour I could think of.
Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks.
Well, don't eat that, then.
I just thought that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea.
Don't put that on the ice cream, then! What is the matter with you people?
Can we... Please. "Number six,
"if you do bad things, you won't get to go to this great place when you die. "
Where will you go?
A terrible place, the worst place imaginable.
What constitutes a bad thing?
Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that.
- Is punching someone bad? - Yes.
- What if they're trying to hurt you? - Well, then it's fine.
- Is cursing bad? - No.
- What about being late for work? - No, that's...
I mean, you might lose your job if the boss doesn't like it,
but it won't affect what happens to you after you die.
What about if you forget to feed your dog?
Well, then, if you forget, I mean, it's bad for the dog.
If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not... I mean, don't do it on purpose.
Don't buy a dog just to starve it for a laugh, but... Can we...
If I do just one bad thing, do I go to the bad place?
No!
You get three chances.
Three bad things and you're out.
Like baseball!
Sort of. So, anything else?
Yeah!
- Oh, please, can we just move on? - No!
We have to know everything that's bad.
Yeah.
Fine.
Is it bad to wear pants?
Oh. What the...
No. There is no hairstyle that can put you in the bad place.
We've been through this.
The main ones are things like hurting people physically, on purpose, okay?
Taking their stuff, doing things to people they don't want done,
murdering people on purpose.
Okay. "Number nine,
"the man in the sky who controls everything
"decides if you go to the good place or the bad place.
"He also decides who lives and who dies. "
- Does he cause natural disasters? - Yes.
- Did he cause my mom to get cancer? - Yes.
Did he cause that tree to land on my car last week?
- Yeah. - Did he kill my dad with that heart attack?
Yeah.
I say fuck the man that lives in the sky!
Yeah, that guy's evil!
That guy's a coward, hiding up there doing bad things to us.
Why doesn't he do it to our faces?
We have to stop that evil bastard before he kills us all!
Wait, wait, listen.
The man who lives in the sky and controls everything
is also responsible for all the good stuff that happens.
He's the guy that saved my life on that fishing trip when the boat capsized?
- Yes. - Did he capsize the boat?
Yeah.
He killed my grand mother and left me those millions of dollars?
You bet yeah.
So, he's the one who cured my mom's cancer?
Yeah.
So, he's kind of a good guy, but he's also kind of a prick, too.
Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay?
"Number ten, even if the man in the sky does bad stuff to you,
"he makes up for it by giving you an eternity of good stuff after you die. "
As long as you don't do any of that bad stuff that you mentioned, right?
- Yeah, of course. - So it's kind of a test.
Yeah.
Well, that's everything I know.
How do you know all these things?
Because the man in the sky told me.
Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out about these things now,
millions of years into our existence?
I don't know. He forgot. Got... Seen all the stuff he does?
Thank you.
Think that went well.
www.frendz4m.com
Cheers, cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a baby from a burning building
and there was a bear, and...
Wait, there was a burning building and a bear?
Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying and so I ran in there through the flames,
not caring about my own safety, got the baby, jumped out.
It was the second storey, jumped out.
I landed, baby safe. But then this bear...
- Wait, how did you survive? - Well, let me tell you.
No, how did you survive the jump?
I've seen you twist your ankle crossing the street.
Because on this occasion I landed in something soft.
- Oh. - So...
What did you land in?
- Jam. - Jam.
It was a barrel of jam. It was a jam factory on fire.
Probably what attracted the bear in the first place.
- Right. - You haven't heard of that?
The burning building, baby, bear, factory, jam incident?
Shoot, no.
Yeah, classic. So, I land.
This bear is coming toward, big, lumbering, eating machine
like that happy chap over there.
- What, sleeping, ugly fatty? - Well...
- He's not happy. - Well, how do you know?
What do you mean? Look at him. He's a loser.
You can't tell that from just looking at the guy.
He could be the world's greatest poet.
Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example.
But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be, just by...
Okay. What do you see when you see this fellow here?
Short, sweaty, bald guy.
- Right. - Hi!
He's carrying a briefcase. He's in a hurry.
He's probably off to a really important meeting.
He's probably a high-powered businessman.
You see more than I do.
Well, because, if you look...
What do you see when you see those guys?
Mmm...
Two nerdy losers in hats?
Yeah. Good. Good observational skills.
But what I mean is, look beyond just their appearance and look at them.
They're holding hands. They're in love.
Hey, do me.
I mean, just what do you see? What do you see in me?
You're pretty.
You've got a wonderful smile.
- Well, that's what everyone sees. - I wasn't finished.
You're the sweetest, most caring person I know.
And you've got a freckle there I've never told you about how much I love.
You usually smile,
but sometimes you spend your day in bed, eating and crying.
You'll hold someone's hand after their mum...
You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
What do you see when you look at me?
You're chubby and you have a snub nose.
Yeah. That's about it.
You're smart.
You're kind.
You're the sweetest man I've ever met.
You are definitely the most interesting person I know.
And you are fun to be with.
And you see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world,
and I like the way you see the world.
And you're my best friend.
You make me happier than anyone I've ever known.
- Why can't we be together, then? - Because of the whole genetics thing.
Little fat kids with snub noses.
It's a shame that being rich and famous doesn't change your genetics.
Because I love you.
Does being rich and famous change your genetic material?
No.
It doesn't. O u r kids would be little fat things with snub noses.
Thanks for that, Jim. Next up, Mark Bellison.
Does he deserve all the money and fame
or is he just some fat loser who hears things from the man in the sky?
I say fat loser, Bob.
It's as simple as this, Jim. Just look at the guy.
He's fat, he's stupid-looking. What else do you need to know?
And what about the hundreds of people camping out on his lawn?
I mean, don't those people have jobs?
Maybe they're all fat losers like him.
Stay tuned, we got weather in five.
And then write, "The duck flew all the way to Alaska to meet up
"with his friend who was a polar bear who lived there. "
- "And the polar bear... " - How many of these have you had?
Doesn't matter. Uh... "The end. "
- That's a strange ending. - It is, isn't it?
And you want me to take this over to Lecture Films?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Tell them to film that one this week.
Okay.
Tell them it's for kids.
Kids will love that, won't they?
Bears and ducks in cars.
- What's that? - It's a birthday card for you.
- You want it? - Thank you.
Oh, I came to tell you that I can't watch a movie with you tonight.
- Why not? - 'Cause I have a date.
Who with?
- Brad Kessler. - Brad Kessler?
You know what I think of him.
I think he is the world's biggest douche bag.
- To you. Not to me. - Yes.
He's very sweet and kind to me.
Well, of course he is. Look at you! A shark would be sweet and kind to you.
- It would? - No, it wouldn't.
Do not get in with a shark. It will just... I was just...
- But don't go out with him. - Why not?
- Well, he's an excel lent match for me. - Well, don't sleep with him.
- Why not? - What? You were going to?
If I don't sleep with him,
then he'll find another acceptable mate who would sleep with him.
- Then I'll miss out. - No, he won't.
- Yes. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
You haven't thought this through.
Because if I was going out on a date with you...
And if you were attractive, like Brad.
Yes. Well, why...
But I would... I would lose respect for you...
- Huh? - ... if you slept with me on the first date.
I would because I...
Just chat, just talk to him, sure.
But, listen, do not, whatever...
Let him know what a wonderful person you are just by...
Verbally, not with... Because he will then go,
"Oh, I... I want to date her... I want a second date. "
Do not...
Do not have sex with anyone unless you are married to them
is the rule.
Settled.
- Okay. - Good.
What's this?
Birthday coupon for sex.
It's a coupon for birthday sex.
So it's sex with you because it's my birthday?
What do you get the man who has everything?
- Sorry. - Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know.
- No, no, no, stop. - We're not married.
Which is what you just said.
Do not sleep with anyone unless you're married to them.
That's what I said. But hold on, though. What about the coupon?
- The rule is... - Yes, I know what the rule is.
So we can't...
The coupon, it's just such a...
- Rule. - Such a shame to waste it.
- But, I mean, you know... - It's too bad.
It is, it is.
Now I can't redeem sex with this.
So you'd like what? What am I gonna get you now?
Can't have sex with you.
You probably just prefer socks, right?
Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones, instead of sex.
Hello?
Oh, he's coming.
Well, why have you invited him here?
I didn't. It was his idea.
I bet it was. It's my house.
- Anna. - You are so handsome.
I know.
- Mark. You look like trash. - Oh, your opinion.
Let's go have some fun.
- Not too much. - Hey! What are you doing with that?
That is a coupon for birthday sex.
- With you? - Yes.
But he doesn't want it because we're not married.
- He'd rather have a pair of socks, right? - Can I have it?
Oh, sure. Of course, we'll have to get married to use it.
Well, maybe we just will.
Well, I'm not happy for that. What...
I'll call you later.
- I thought we'd celebrate tonight. - Hmm.
Today I was handed a very impressive promotion.
Not only am I the head writer of the coveted first century,
but today I was handed the reins to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries.
- Oh, that is exciting. - It's very, very exciting.
No other writer's ever had that many centuries,
let alone four of the most popular ones.
Mark's never had more than one century.
Mark also has the man in the sky
telling him stories no one's ever heard before.
Yes, but does he look like this?
Does he have my genetics? My confidence? My charisma?
- No. - No.
I'm gonna send that bottle back.
Not because it's turned, but because I want to appear discerning and powerful.
Yes, sir.
Also, I think we're ready to order.
She will have the small Caesar salad because I don't want her to get fat.
And I will have the fillet, rare, because it's expensive,
it tastes good, and I'm important.
Excel lent.
I understand why you want me to have the small Caesar salad, but...
...I am very hungry.
- Maybe we could add some chicken. - No, no, no, no, no.
We both know that one day you're going to lose your looks.
You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly.
Why throw a weight problem on top of it with delicious, fatty chicken?
Of course not.
Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom calling to check on our date.
She's very control ling and impatient.
Let me talk to her.
Okay.
Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler.
- Yes, your daughter looks beautiful. - Ah!
No, she hasn't blown it by boring me.
Okay, you're annoying me now.
Your voice is shrill. Good bye.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Mmm!
You know, you are a near perfect match for me,
physically, genetically, socially, economically.
I agree.
And a large part of me just wants to bag you
because Mark's in love with you and I enjoy watching him fail.
Why do you hate Mark so much? He's a really good friend of mine.
Because he's a loser.
I'm the one who should be living in a mansion and talking to the man in the sky.
But I can have the one thing that he can't.
- You. - Ah!
Because you are sensible.
You want to marry a strong genetic match
and maybe one day have children that aren't...
Little fat kids with snub noses.
Exactly.
Exactly. Yeah.
The man in the sky, in his infinite wisdom,
has told us that we can do two bad things and still get into our mansion.
So I say to you...
No. I won't move into your mansion with you when we die. You're really smothering me.
The more you push me away, the more attracted I am to you.
Out of the way, fatty!
Hey, you're Mark Bellison.
Yeah. You gonna apologise?
For what?
- Who wants another drink? - Yeah, please.
I'll take one.
Thanks.
What's going on?
What, I can't be depressed
'cause I've got a big house and loads of money?
What about you guys? Are you happier, at least?
Since the man in the sky?
- Yeah, definitely. - Very happy.
Are you still lonely? Have you found someone yet?
- Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that. - Why?
Well, because I was thinking that if I get eternal happiness when I die,
that'll be really great because it's eternal,
you know, so you can't really beat that.
So I'm just really happy that that's gonna happen.
So until then I think I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol
and my little apartment and just kind of hang out by myself and drink and watch TV.
That doesn't sound like a happy life. That sounds like a long, miserable one.
Well, no, it won't be that long, because...
...the more I drink, the faster I'll die.
And I'm just waiting for that mansion, you know?
That's what I'm talking about.
Brilliant.
You call him on the phone, on a telephone?
No, I just... He's speaking to me now.
- Is he saying something? - He is, yeah.
Well, would you please tell us what he's saying?
He's saying, "Why are you speaking to that idiot? "
And I'm saying back, "I'll give him a chance... "
There's got to be something better on TV than this.
Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it. That's my very good friend.
Oh, please. I know all your friends, and they're nothing like that.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means just because he's talking to the man in the sky
doesn't make him good enough to be your friend.
What if I wanted him to be more than just my friend?
Man in the sky forbid.
It would make no sense.
Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky chose to speak through,
but that doesn't change the fact that he's still a loser
and your kids would be, too.
- Well, he is more than just that. - There's nothing more than that.
Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be.
He is...
He's smart, he's funny, and he's kind, and he is loving.
And he makes me feel special. He makes me happy.
You are going to be with the person who's right for you,
the person who'll give you the kids you've always wanted.
Someone like Brad Kessler.
Hello, Brad. One moment.
- S peak to him. Don't blow this. - Mom!
Hello.
Hi, Brad.
I miss you, Mum.
I know you can't hear me.
I know you're not up there in a mansion.
You're right here in the ground.
And I'm the only person in the world who knows that.
And I'm not happy.
I did all this, but...
I'm not happy because
no one listens to what they really want.
That's why I'll always be a loser.
That's why I'll always be alone.
Mark.
You look awful.
Can I come in?
- Haven't seen you much lately. - Yeah, I know.
I've been busy with work and things and...
Also, I tried calling you and you never answer your phone.
- Did you know I was getting married? - Yeah, I heard.
That's why I came over here, actually. I wanted to give you this invitation.
Don't do it.
The wedding is tomorrow.
Please, don't marry him.
- I hope you'll come. - Why?
Because it would make me happy.
Being around you makes me happy.
Then why are you marrying him?
I only have a certain amount of time that I can find my ideal genetic partner,
have the children that I've always wanted.
You know that.
One day, Mark,
I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly.
No, you won't. Not to me.
You'll never be ugly.
You're confusing me.
- Please take this. - Have a nice life.
www.frendz4m.com
Enjoying your ice cream, you fat loser?
Stop that!
It's okay. Forget about them.
What's your name?
Short Fat Brian.
Well, Brian.
You are so much more than just short and fat.
See? You're Brian with the Great Smile.
Thanks.
Ow!
Greg!
Sorry!
Keep the noise down.
Fat, ginger...
Shut up!
You haven't lost yet, man.
Ah!
Loser.
We are here today, sitting in this building,
to share in the wedding of Brad and Anna,
two attractive young people,
who have come to the conclusion
that this wedding will be mutually beneficial,
that their genetic match-up will be most likely to produce favourable offspring
and a lifetime of financial stability and physical security.
Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna for as long as you want to
and to protect your offspring for as long as you can?
I do.
And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad for as long as you want to
and to protect your offspring for as long as you can?
I do.
Before I pronounce these two man and wife, is there anyone here in this building
who believes they offer a better genetic match-up to either party?
Me.
Oh, come on, Mark.
I mean, look at you. How can you possibly be better than me?
Because she's happy with me.
If she were happy with you, what is she doing standing up here with me?
She thinks her kids deserve the best possible start in life.
And she's right.
Yeah. And do you know what that makes you?
You're a sperm donor.
She's my best friend.
I thought I was your best friend.
Not now. Let's...
And I love her.
Don't do this.
Don't do it.
Is this what you really want?
It's the way of the world, Mark.
Why? Why does it have to be?
Who says your kids will be better than mine?
Who says that a strong jawline or a fast metabolism or a muscular physique...
He's also taller.
No, I know, but I'm just...
Please, man, I...
Who says those traits will make your kids better than mine, or happier?
I'll love our children.
And who says you'll make a better husband
just because you come from a more privileged family
or a better genetic line?
She's a prize on your arm. And your kids will be, too.
Anna.
If you tell me this is what you really want, I'll go.
Is this what you really want?
Well, now, it's not up to us to decide what we get in life.
- That's up to the man in the sky. - I'm talking to her.
Why don't you just ask the man in the sky what he wants for Anna?
- Surely he knows best. - She knows what's best.
Just tell her what the man in the sky wants, Mark.
Why don't you tell me what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark?
Just please tell me.
No.
Are we married yet?
- Because I have plans later. - There's a few...
Mark, wait!
Why don't you just tell me what the man in the sky wants?
- I did a bad thing. - It's okay.
- You're allowed three. - No, you don't understand.
There is no man in the sky.
Why did you say there was?
I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face when she was dying.
And things just escalated.
But how did you say something that wasn't?
I don't know, I just did. I just can.
But when I asked you if being rich
and successful and famous changed your genetics,
why didn't you just say yes?
'Cause it wouldn't count.
Mark.
I know what I want.
I want little fat kids with snub noses.
I'm your man.
So that's it. I got the girl.
Anna and I are very happy together, by the way.
She still doesn't fully understand how I said or did all those things.
No one does.
I'm still the only person who can tell a lie.
Actually, that's not entirely true.
What do you think?
That looks good.
It tastes so good, Mommy.
- Your best yet. - I'm so glad you like it.
Huh? Oh.
I don't know where to start.
Just start on the bread, maybe, then work my way up there.
You eat that. You liked it so much. Why don't you eat some more?